Coming Out: It's worth it!

Suicide sucks.

I know it too well. As a gay person I’ve watched friends try drugs, alcohol, and finally suicide to escape their displacement from the human family. I have cried alongside them as we explored the depths of estrangement from mom, dad, brother and sister. Loss of family, friends, jobs, housing, church, especially church, meant severance from all the connections that make life worth living. It is a desperate predicament. It is hell. In the absence of love and acceptance, especially when support is brutally withdrawn, suicide offers permanent solace. It allows silence to replace the torment of rejection. Suicide is extreme. It is only counter-balanced by our human need for love. And that includes gay people.

In case you missed it, at least five teens and young adults have committed suicide over the past few weeks because they were outed and bullied for being gay. I cannot tell you how much that hurts me. Perhaps it is because I’ve been there.

Today is Coming Out Day. It is a day to celebrate those who are brave enough to be themselves, and also for those who are brave enough to support them. As for me, I came out already. Twice.

The first time, Mom’s initial response was, “How can I hold my head up in public?” A little later in tears, “We’re so ashamed.”

In response, I crawled back into the closet. Of course this didn’t change me. It only made me even more cautious and wary. It also reinforced my emotional dissociation between my public persona and my private emotional life. I learned how to act, how to pass.

Years later, I came out again. From three thousand miles away, what began as a casual e-mail conversation, ended with my being kicked out of the family. My few remaining items left behind from childhood would be shipped or discarded. I could arrange solo visits with my dying father. All other family communication was banned.

As sad as I was over the family ties being terminated, I was more shocked by my growing sense of freedom. In being exiled from my family of origin, I felt this emerging sense of newborn joy arising out of the ashes of self-hatred, denial, and abandonment. Coming out was not just for family; it was for me.

I have learned that when you get to the point of saying you can’t do it any more, come out. You might get shamed, rejected or worse, but you will find freedom. And from that freedom, living is the obvious choice.

Prevent a suicide. Love others as yourself. Love yourself. Come out.

The Reverend Marian E. Stewart

October 11, 2010